#32 FUCK

day/intake

1 >100
2 >100
3 >100
4 >500 WTF

Well, I screwed it up yesterday, BUT I've lost 2 pounds so far.
Also, its not Jan 5, its Jan 3.
Fuck.


9 lbs to go.

#31?

It feels like it should be number 1.
3 months without updating, shame on me.

Anyway...
Im HUGE.
Im a BIG FAT WHORE.

But, at least, Im back on the track.
I need to lose 11 lbs before Jan. 5

#30 Let there be thy weightloss

This is still oh so fucking lonely.
Anyway.
Im 101.5 and I guess Im happy.

To be honest Im starting to give a shit about weightloss, pounds, and food.
I've got no money, ergo, I don't eat, ergo I lose weight.
But it has been so effortless I just feel bad about it.
I should lose weight by fasting, starving myself to fucking death, exercising for hours, not just walking and eating kind of less.
I don't deserve it.

(But Im thankful to all thy gods for that)

# 20'something... HELLO WEIGHT LOSS

Scale read 104.5 lbs

After breakfast, so Im probably 104, but I don't wanna get too excited.



I never thought I could lose weight by... well, eating.

I mean, I haven't binged properly, but I've been eating between 500 -700 calories.

Which is a fucking lot.

This week has turned into something really really good.
Im oficially over Ex fuck buddy, and we're now like really close friends.
Half japanese... well, Im taking things slowly, something I have done only once, so I feel all doofus, I feel like 13 again.
I've lost a couple of pounds.
Im over ex best friend.
Life's peachy.

#28? Breaking the habit.

Food crap....

I've been eating, fasting, pigging out, fasting, etc...
And god bless the plateau.
I mean, I don't like plateaus, but my recently adquired eating habits would lead me to nothing but weight gain if it wasn't for the holy plateau.
(And the fasting after pigging)

But, I must stop that "binge/fast/binge" shit right now.
Especially if I intend to fuck half japanese super hottie.
9_9

I mean, Im always brawling about weightloss being a very personal thing, and should be done to please no one but yourself.
But, I don't like getting intimate with people if Im fat.
Not because of what they might think, but what I think of me.
I disgust me.

So in order to disgust me a little less so I can fuck half japanese without grossing me out, I must stop this.

I must break the habit.

This is getting lonely

#27 God damn you half japanese boys (8)

So Burdett Road Failed again... big deal.
In exactly 3.5 hours I'll stalk teacher, fake boobs, chinese, and Trent Lane.

Yesterday and the day before I went to uni, to see ex fuck buddy, and to stalk the guy from the bus, and to listen to this awsome class (Physics history)
Class starts at 1 pm, so I told EFB to keep a place for me, that I'd catch him in the classroom.
And I didn't find the fucking classroom, so I sitted in the cafeteria praying Cthulhu to
a) Tell ex fuck buddy I was lost, so he would go there to pick me
b) Suddenly find the guy from the bus, and stalk him to death.

Either happened.

Instead....
I saw this guy...
Is he? *
He drinks some water, he's staring at me.
Is he?
If he's not, I'll look quite stupid.
He goes away...
WTF lets stalk.
So I followed him, pointed at him and asked if he was EFB's friend.
Yes, and you are...?
K.
Ohh don't you wear glasses?
Sometimes lol

Blah blah.... he helps me find efb.
<3
Physics History
Found him again, talked for a while.
<3
And I almost blewed it xD

HJB-Oh, aren't you gonna eat?
k- Oh I don't eat.
HJB- What, don't you eat?
K- Erm (fuck fuck fuck) today
HJB- You're not eating today?
K-No, I mean, Im not hungry.
HJP- Oh I see.



.-.

Tell EFB how hot his friend is....

Blah...

Now some history.

* The first day I took PH, EFB introduced me to his half japanese friend.
I was drooling.
His mother must be gorgeous.
He's FAR MUCH better than EFB, and Trent Lane and Guy from the Bus.
But, we didn't even talk.


He's not really tall, but he is taller than me (good enough for me), light brown hair, not long, but not short, beautiful eyes.
I mean BEAUTIFUL, he's got typical asian eyes (I can't remember the word for those kind of eyes) BUT they're yellowish green.
That looks pretty cool (usually asian eyes are dark).
Plus, he's so skinny.
And, the shape of his face *o*
Perfect jaw.
And... he's so skinny he has cheekbones.
SUPER PLUS
EFB told me he's interested in my ffugly self.


Ahhh too many guys <3
(After like 3 months of monogamous "casual" sex with ex boyfriend)

Food, sometimes.
Haven't gained, but haven't lost.

#26 Burdett Road.... again?

Well, today (yesterday?) I stuffed myself again, because Im a food slut.

I had a shitload of coffee (which explains why Im posting at 4:00 am) and a slice of cheesecake.
(SO FUCKING ORGASMIC) and 6 cookies.
Im the cookie monster.
And... Diet coke.
Im so fucking silly.

Im considering, once again, finding a Burdett Road off in the City.
Da Pueblo is so fucking boring.
I mean, Crap gang is here, ex boyfriend is here, but, hell, I need some smog.
Plus, I can stalk people in the City.
Im a stalker by nature.

I don't know... sometimes I think about getting back with ex boyfriend.
He's such a good fuck guy, and he loves me to death, and well, I love him too, in a non-monogamous way, but I do.

Why, Im a whore, and I so not deserve him.



lciifjowef

Te adoro tronco.

#25 ? Update

Oh well.
Im on a plateau.
Which, is great, coz I've been eating a lot lately.
I should be heavier.


So, weight, still the same.


On Thursday, Im going to uni to stalk this boy I saw twice.
Long black hair, green eyes, Metallica T shirt.
And he talked to me *o*
Well he said hello the second time I saw him but I was walking with ex fuck buddy, so I couldn't do much.

You know you love your ex fuck buddy when:

1- He was an average fuck and you still fucked him until he dumped you.
2- Hot guy on the bus tells you to sit next to him but you don't because efb is there.
3- You don't talk about your other (male) fucks in front of him, despite he does.
4- You don't stalk talk to other boys in front of him.
5- It hurts like hell knowing he tried to hit on ex best friend (when she was best friend)
6- Its been half a year, and I still like him.

Im in love

With this bitch.

#24 Hot for teacher.

So there's chinese, fake boobs, professor, and trent lane from school.
There's also the warhammer kiddo.

Make your bets xD


I've been b&p, starving, b&b xD
And, I managed to stay the same.

I kinda like my weight now.
I mean, Im a fucking cow, but.....
Im wearing a bra *o*
Ex boyfriend enjoys my overweight.
(ex boyfriend = best fuck ever)

Those were the days.

92 lbs. + tattoo

#23 Fuuuuuuuuuuuck

They hid the measuring tape.
But when it comes to my own fatness I've got a good memory.

So I look like this now:

Current weight : 110 lbs.

Chest: 31
Waist: 26
Muffin: 33 (fuck me, my "lovehandles" are larger than my boobs)
Ass: 35.5

I wear 3- 5 jeans.

So, my first goal is

100 lbs

Waist: 25 or less
Muffin: 32 or less.

If I do, I'll get myself a hooters sweat shirt.
(If I do, I'll get myself a hooters girl )

#22 Farewell the ashtray girl

So, Im a fat whore, I re- measured myself.
GOD
Im sooo going to fat girls hell.
But I'll start again on Monday (Food, Gym, Sex life)
I've had quite long "food vacations"

I'll be back in da pueblo.

Farewell Big City : (
Farewell Hottie from Maths (or Physics, sais pas)
Farewell Burdett Road
Farewell Sex Shop
Farwell ex fuck buddy : (

And today's song, is Changes.
Im not sure if it's Black Sabbath's, or Ozzy's but is a great song.
Today's mood, and a flashback.

I feel unhappy

I feel so sad

I lost the best friend

That I ever had

She was my woman

I loved her so

But its too late now

Ive let her go

[...]

We shared the years

We shared each day

In love together

We found a way

You lying trying waste of space.

#21 Quickie // Today's song

Im in the city, chez la mère.
I've been eating like a cow..
Im still looking for Burdett Road.
I still need to get laid.
Im still lonely.

Today's song : The Bends

I need to wash myself again to hide all the dirt and pain

'cause I'd be scared that there's nothing underneath

And who are my real friends?

Have they all got the bends?

Am I really sinking this low?

My baby's got the bends

We don't have any real friends

Just lying in a bar with my drip feed on

talking to my girlfriend waiting for something to happen

I wish it was the sixties

I wish I could be happy

I wish, I wish, I wish that something would happen.

#20 Scheisse.

Alternate title: Kat Wars Episode V
The Family strikes back.

Remember Im always bragging about the wonders of living alone, and all the "that's why I haven't got a family" ?
You probably don't because I only do it in real life.

But, Karma IS a bitch, sometimes (like this) even bitchier than me.
So all this time I've spent denying family and bragging about being alone turns to shit.
Because everytime I see family (aka E as father, et la mère) they always want to fucking eat.

Usually I see E once or twice a month, and its always fucking food.
ALWAYS.
I find it sweet of him trying to build the relationship we never had, but I think honestly, neither of us really wants it.
We can't stand each other for more than 2 hours, so I guess that's why its always food, we stuff our mouths so we have a good excuse to remain silent.
BUT WHY FUCKING FOOD?? Movies perhaps?//Spoiler, 13 yrs old anorexic daughter//
Fuck I know the answer.

So after a month of successfully avoiding him, tomorrow I'll be having breakfast with him.
Après, after almost a month of la mère neglecting me, she's coming to town, and guess what!!! We're eating together.
So screw my fast.
(Because, today I made up for yesterday's binge, and managed to stay on 99.2 acording to cheap little lying bastard)

ARE YOU HAPPY NOW KARMA?

No, he's not.

La mère's boyfriend will be out of town for a week, so we'll be spending some mother&daughter
bonding chez la mère in the city= EATING EVERY FUCKING DAY.
FOR A WHOLE WEEK.


FUCK YOU KARMA.
FUCK YOU.

#19 To do list

Expect loyalty from no one but yourself.

So stop eating betraying yourself.

To do list:

*Stop eating.
*Start running. (OMG I did it!! Im proud of mylazyfatass-self)
*Get laid.
*Wash the dishes
*Clean cat's litter
*Sweep
*Mop
*Tidy La mêre's room and mine.
*Do the laundry.
*Find a new Burdett Road.
*Find a new best friend ;P

xD

#18 She left me for a stoner.

She dumped me.
I binged.

I don't know which one makes me feel worse.

#17 Kat Vs. The Pizza of Hell 2

Alternate title: Kat and the Conspiracy of Scales

I weighted myself again, fully clothed, on the cheap little lying bastard, and she read 104.7.
Then, I went to crapland, there I weighted again, on a scale in the GNC, and OMFG!!!
Fully clothed it read 104.05!!!!!
Astonishing.
Its probably a conspiracy of scales.
So, I went to another scale, in the drugstore, and the same.

I guess... the cheap little lying bastard wasnt lying.

So, I guess, I wasn't 110.
I mean, I was, but, maybe most of it was shit and water weight.

Now....
So I went to Crapland, and I saw Ex Fuck Buddy there.

(Have you ever heard "I put a spell on you"? You probably had.
"And I don't care if you don't want me, because Im yours"
Well, everytime I talk about EFB, imagine that song as a
background)

Ok, so, I went with Ex Fuck Buddy, his best friend, and his best friend's girl, off for Pizza.
A battle between THE will and pepperoni.
Pizza looked so sexy, HOT, staring right at me...
But... Im fucking stronger than cheese and pepperoni.

SO, THE will won.

Fuck you pizza from hell!



Ex Fuck Buddy said he'll give me a collar.
I don't know if he was just teasing me, but I really love the idea.

#16 CopyKat,

Well, Im gonna make my "fasting diary" too.
I read it chez poker face, and I thought it was an awsome idea.

3 years ago I started this log, and my target was, well , Day 1096.
I set day 1096 as the day I would be free.
Random freedom.
My first thought about it was "omg 3 years is a fucking lot"
And, the first month seemed eternal to me.
After I reached the 3 digits, days just passed by quickly.
I didn't realize when the first year passed by.

And well, Im boring you with this because, that's what I'll do.
Im taking it easy with the fasting.
120 hours of fasting.
Starting @ 12:00 pm 04/08/09

And, the only thing Im allowed to put in my mouth is diet drinks, coffee, tea, and water.
So be it.


Today I stepped on the scale and it read 101.
And I was like WTF, YOU CHEAP LITTLE LYING BASTARD!!.
I mean, it's not that I don't like reading Im 101, but, Im self conscious, and I know you can't lose 9 pounds in a day, so that shit must be broken.
So I won't eat or drink anything till I get weighted somewhere else.
I better be going, coz' Im quite thirsty.

*UPDATE* 10:00 pm 04/08/09

K' 110 hours to gooooo I wanna be sedated (8)

*UPDATE* 12:00 pm 05/08/09

Ohhhhh 96 hours to gooooo I wanna be sedated (8)
Today Cheap Little Lying Bastard read (undressed) 99.2 lbs.
WTF.
I MEAN.
WTF.
Am I dehydrating or what?

I want a diet coke.
I'll go to the store, and have another battle against the cookie stand.
I don't know if I will make it.
So I'll wear the "red dress" jeans, to remind me how fucking fat I am, and why am I not allowed to eat cookies, or food at all.

*Update* 12:30 pm

Mission Acomplished!
Diet coke + ciggies + matches
And the "red dress" jeans make me feel so fat I don't even wanna drink the diet coke .--.

#15 Lousy me.

Well, I did stuffed my mouth today.
BUT....
I kept it below 500 kcal, and that's good.


(Picture, I've been eating around 4k calories a day, so 500 IS good)


I pierced my lip, and with that one I have 19 n_n
I LOVE BODY MODS.

Thinspirate me 2

Where can I get someone like her?

# 14 Im fucking massive

I've gained like a million pounds.
I can't complain, I totally deserve it, I've been eating like a fucking pig.
Right now Im 110 pounds, and I have a normal bmi.
Im disgusting.
But, this was my very last day of bingeing, tomorrow I start a new week, and I've got the chance to start again.
Coz' Im fucking alive, I won't let myself down again,
BECAUSE I WANT IT, AND I FUCKING CAN, SO WHAT THE FUCK AM I WAITING FOR?

As one of my favorite Maiden's song says

"If you're gonna die, DIE WITH YOUR BOOTS ON"

*UPDATE* Goodbye Burdett Road. I hate you, best friend.

#13 My place @ Burdett Road 2

Fridge
Washing machine
Microwave
TV
Furniture
Weed
3 rooms
2 bathrooms
120 m2

Awsome place, quite expensive tho.
Totally worth it, I guess.

And well I've been eating like a pig these days.

I'll be doing this exam to apply to this career as some kind of translator.
I need to have "intermediate" or "advanced" in english, or french.
In my particular case, I hope I can reach intermediate on english.
If I do, I can go to school only on saturdays, and work on the week.
I'd like to work in a sex shop.
; )

#12 My place @ Burdett Road.

Well, we found this awsome place.
It's so fucking expensive, but hell.
Im pissed off.
Quite pissed off actually.
I fasted until yesterday.
I've been bingeing since then.
Not in the mood for writing, maybe later.

#11 So, here we go.

Have you ever heard "Mile End" by Pulp?
From the Trainspotting soundtrack (which happens to be one of my favorite movies).

" We didn't have nowhere to live,
we didn't have nowhere to go
til someone said
"I know this place off Burdett Road."
It was on the fifteenth floor,
it had a board across the door.
It took an hour
to prise it off and get inside.
It smelt as if someone had died;
the living room was full of flies,
the kitchen sink was blocked,
the bathroom sink not there at all."

I dunno, I have the feeling that soon, that'll be my song xD.

I kinda sold my soul to the devil (aka, my mom) and she'll lend me some money for the rent.
Tomorrow I'll go flat-searching with my best friend, and her friend.
I hope that with my money, and her money, and his money, and my mother's money, we'll find somewhere decent.

THE EX, told me his mother's flat was available, so maybe I'll ask her.
It would be strange tho, to live in THE ex's house, a bit painful.
But Im kind of masochist, so I'll talk to his mother.


I've been bingeing a lot these days.
I gained 4 pounds. x__x
Im disgusting.

Tomorrow I'll be going to the city so I won't be eating at all.
I'll be back on Sunday, or Monday, to see if the cat is still alive.
Hopefully I'll be down to 98 by then.

#10 Binge binge binge my darling.

As I said before, Im a food slut.
And I deserve a pathetic death such as choking on a cookie or something.
Im moving in a couple of weeks and Im really excited about it.

#9 K. and the pizza from hell

Well, I stayed chez this friend.
His mom made me eat.
(I had forgotten how is it to be forced to eat)
And I ate a sandwich and TWO slices of pizza.
Im gross.
But I managed to stay in 99 lbs.
Thanks gods of weightloss.


I fasted today.
Im fasting tomorrow.
And the next day.
And the day after.

#8 Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck.

Rejected.

And changed my mind, IM NOT DRINKING.

Now Im officially poor, I must save every fucking dollar (assuming I use dollars, which I dont) I have.
I can't afford being skinny, and neither the jack daniels.
But, maybe now that I'll be poor, I can really get into the fasting stuff, and as I'll be working my ass off to get somewhere (besides the bridge) to live with the cat ;P, and buying the cat's food, and kitty litter, so I won't have any money for food.
Hurray!

I hate myself for being so stupid.



Lost another pound, back to the 99's

#7 shalala

Lost 1 pound :D
Had 444 calories "yesterday" (considering 2:00 am as saturday) in the shape of...

2 1/2 cookies = 144 cal. (gross)
3 quaker bars = 285 cal. (worse)
1 half sized orange = 15 cal.

I fucked a lot. (That does count as exercise, rite?)



"Today" Im eating nothing, and drinking the world, and hopefully, fucking a lot too.
Or, maybe I'll be too drunk to fuck.
"Tonight" I get the results, so.... god Im so fucking nervous.

I want that.
I want to be the skinny bitch that drinks Jack Daniels.
For now, I can only afford the Jack Daniels.
But I'll be the skinny bitch, and that's a fucking promise.

Thinspirate me.

#6 Oh, I can't thank you enough

For not eating.
Yesterday I fasted, and today Im 101 lbs.
Which, is still awful, but, maybe tomorrow I'll wake up in 99.
: D
Which reminds me, tomorrow I'll get myself a bottle of Jack Daniels, and drink, and get drunk, and, fuck Das Kind, and then puke a lot (because that's what I do when Im drunk) and then fall asleep, all in name of becoming Miss Puma, or not.

I hope I get drunk fast, because whiskey has like a million calories per glass.
So screw you 99 lbs of saturday morning, Im sure by Sunday I'll weight 4 more pounds.
But it's like so totally worth it.

I can always starve the next day.

#5 Kill me, Kill me, Kill me.

I stayed chez my best friend the last couple of days.
She's the only person (besides my ex) with whom I feel comfortable enough to eat, or even binge.
Which puts her in a really special position but, for me its awful.
I like feeling uncomfortable eating in front of people (or eating at all).
And well, I stayed chez her, and binged a lot, and now Im 103 pounds, and I gross me out.
Im back at home now, where I can starve myself in peace.
Hope to get back to the 90's soon.

# 4 still on day 3

I fasted today.
Managed to get to 99 again.
Im sure its just water weight, but I don't care.
I really enjoy the not eating thing.
Makes me feel less fat (even if Im not)

# bloated

I've got my period.
Im still 100 lbs.
Yesterday I did leave 3/4 of my veggies, but I ended up eating a package of cookies.
Im lousy.
Oh and yeah, I had the rest of my veggies for dinner.

But I'll blame blood coming out of my uterus for my lack of will, and consecuently, gain of weight.

#2 Scared to death

Today's weight 100 lbs.
What's fucking wrong with me, I did it so well, until yesterday, but anyway, Im not gonna change my stats, because I swear, for tomorrow I'll be 99 again!
I've said.

Also, today I'll hang out with this girl, and Im really really scared. She wants to eat.
Im thinking of ordering veggies, and leave 3/4 of it.
I don't want to eat, I don't deserve to eat.

Entry #1

What a lousy beginning for this blog.
I fasted for about 5 days, and today, guess what, I binged.
On sushi.
I deserve the most pathetic death.
Also, I didn't have the heart to puke $20 sushi, so, I had a shitload of laxatives.
I've got a date with my toilet tonight , and well, lets see tomorrow's weight.


Oh dear...

Introduction

Prelude.

I've been blogging since, a lot of time, but in my language, and well I decided to go international.
Also, this is quite different to what Im used to write.
I mean, I intend this to be strictly about my relationship with food.
Also, you'll (whoever ends up reading me) have to excuse my lousy english, I'll do my best, but I haven't practiced my english since I was 13, so, you'll have to excuse my grammar/spelling mistakes.


Introduction

Hello, my name is Kat and Im what I like to call PAFFW (Post Anorexic Frustrated Fat Woman).
A long time ago, I had anorexia, and well, now I just live with the sequels of an unfinished rehab.
My life since then is binge, starve, binge, occasionally purge, starve.
Im not Ana anymore, but I still want to be fucking thin.

[They took away my bones, but not my will of power]